How We Do Chores to Raise Respectful Roommates and Spouses
- Hideaway Rentals
- Aug 15
- 5 min read
With six kids, chores in our house are obviously necessary. There are too many people, too many dishes, too much laundry, and approximately 400 things being taken out and left somewhere they don't belong every day.
But getting help around the house actually isn't my biggest goal when it comes to chores.
Someday, my kids are going to live with other people.
They'll have college roommates, spouses, coworkers, families and homes of their own. And I don't want them to be the person who walks past the overflowing trash can because no one specifically asked them to take it out. I don't want them to assume someone else will notice the mess, make the plan, delegate the jobs and keep track of everything that needs to be done.
I want them to know how to notice what needs to be done and contribute.
I want them to know how to work alongside other people. How to ask for help. How to accept help. How to give direction without getting frustrated when someone doesn't do something exactly the way they would have done it.
Basically, we're not just trying to raise kids who do chores.
We're trying to raise really good roommates and spouses.
And that has shaped the way we do chores in our house.
1. We Have Chore Leaders and Chore Helpers
This is probably the most unusual part of our system, but it might also be my favorite.
When we're doing a bigger family cleanup, we divide the kids into chore leaders and chore helpers.
The chore leaders are responsible for an area or a job. The helpers go around asking:
"What can I do to help?"
It sounds so simple, but there are actually two completely different skills being practiced here.
The helpers are learning to look for ways to contribute instead of waiting for someone to tell them exactly what to do.
The leaders are learning how to accept help, communicate what needs to be done and give direction without becoming frustrated.
Because that's a skill too.
If you've ever tried to help someone who responds with, "Never mind, I'll just do it myself," you know exactly what I mean.
We want our kids to learn that being part of a team sometimes means leading and sometimes means jumping in and helping someone else.
2. Some Chores Are Just Part of Living Here
Not every chore earns money or a reward.
There are certain things our kids are simply expected to do because they live here.
Make your bed.
Put your dirty clothes in the hamper.
Clean up after yourself.
Take care of your things.
These are our non-negotiable daily chores.
I don't want my kids growing up with the idea that every contribution to a household deserves payment. Some things are simply part of being on a team and respecting the people who live with you.
No one pays me to put my coffee cup in the dishwasher. My husband doesn't get five bucks for putting his laundry in the hamper.
That's just living with other humans.
And I want that expectation to feel normal long before they have roommates or spouses of their own.
3. We Do a 10-Minute Tidy Before Bed
At the end of the day, everybody helps reset the house.
We aren't trying to deep clean anything. We aren't scrubbing baseboards at 8:30 at night.
We just set aside about ten minutes and everyone works together.
Toys get picked up. Things go back where they belong. Counters get cleared. Random shoes migrate back toward their owners.
Six kids can create an impressive amount of destruction in a day.
But six kids plus two parents can also get a surprising amount done in ten minutes.
The biggest benefit is that we wake up to a clean slate instead of starting the next day surrounded by yesterday's mess.
It also reinforces something we want our kids to understand: this house belongs to all of us, so taking care of it belongs to all of us too.
4. They Have to Find a Chore Each Day
This one is intentional.
Instead of always saying, "Pick up those shoes," or "Go wipe down the table," we'll tell them:
Find a 10-minute job.
They have to look around the house and figure out what needs to be done.
Maybe the playroom is a mess.
Maybe the dishwasher needs to be unloaded.
Maybe there are shoes scattered by the door or something that needs to be put away.
The point isn't really the ten minutes of work.
The point is learning to notice.
Because I don't want to raise adults who are perfectly willing to help—as long as someone else carries the mental load of identifying every problem and assigning every job.
Eventually, I want them to walk into a room, see something that needs to be done and think, I can take care of that.
That's a much bigger life skill than simply knowing how to unload a dishwasher.
5. They Can Negotiate Extra Jobs
We also give our kids opportunities to earn money or rewards for work that goes beyond their normal responsibilities.
And this is where it gets fun: they're allowed to negotiate.
They can come to us with an offer.
"I'll organize the game closet for $___."
"I'll clean out the car for $___."
"I'll do this extra job for ___ points."
Then we get to decide whether we're hiring them.
Sometimes we say yes.
Sometimes their proposed rate is wildly optimistic and we counteroffer.
And sometimes we tell them, "No thanks. I'll do it myself."
I love this because they're learning that extra work can have value—but they're also learning to identify a need, propose a solution, determine what their work is worth and negotiate with someone who is under absolutely no obligation to hire them.
That's a pretty good little introduction to the real world.
The Tool That Makes This Much Easier for Us
We use a Skylight Wall Calendar to keep everyone's schedules and chores organized, and with a family our size, it has made this system significantly easier to manage.
Each child can see the chores assigned to them, and we can attach reward points to certain jobs.
That distinction is especially helpful for us because not every chore is a paid chore.
Some responsibilities are simply expected because you're part of our family. Other jobs are opportunities to go above and beyond and earn something.
Having it all visible in one place means we're not constantly trying to remember who was supposed to do what—or repeating ourselves all day.
The Goal Isn't a Perfectly Clean House
Our house is definitely not perfectly clean.
The kids don't always happily jump up and ask what they can do to help.
Sometimes a "10-minute job" involves an impressive amount of wandering around looking for the easiest possible task.
They're kids.
But that's also why we're practicing now.
The goal isn't really to create a house full of tiny cleaning experts.
It's to raise people who understand that when you share a home—or a classroom, a dorm, an office or a life—with other people, you contribute to it.
You notice.
You help.
You take responsibility for your own mess.
You learn how to lead when it's your turn to lead and how to help when it's someone else's.
And hopefully, years from now, the people who live with our kids will be really glad we made them do chores.
Comments